Not my typical usual but my constant battle at the moment.

Know how a crazy man would strangle someone...that's how I have been feeling for the longest time. Strangled. Isolated. Trapped and unable to breath.
So many times I just need to take a breath in and let it out...I find my self randomly doing it because for just a few short seconds it feels like for the first time I am able to breath... I go so long with out doing so. Impossible, you say. I know. If I wasn't breathing then I wouldn't be living. Ah but you see that is where I prove my point.
I am not living. I walk around like a robot. No, you can not tell. I have been under disguise as a regular human being but on the end side ....I just feel like a tin man.
Ah yes I know partly this falls on my shoulders. In fact everything inside of me wants to take the blame.. Why.. I don't know. Maybe out of an act of love. One can not always tell.
Everyday I wake up, I dread it. And every night I dread falling asleep because when I do so a new day awake and the same suffocating feels come around.
I feel like I was meant to do so much more then what I do know, but I feel so trapped I don't know how to move and make them happen.
I have so many dreams...I know one day they will happen... My Heavenly Father has promised that much. But at this time in my life, they feel so far far away.

This is not typical stuff I write but the things I write are only things I feel lead to write. Only my Lord knows the reason for it even if I never find out. I try my very best to follow the Holy Spirits leading...I know I get encouraged so many times and I can only hope that I am doing the same. God Bless.

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true love, the only way to find it is by seeking God.

its been awhile since ive written anything.
i feel lead to write about something that i only share with a few. its a huge part of who i am but i dont like to talk about it with many.
i think mainly because i feel like it is not complete and there for i have nothing to show. 
this whole week has been a rough one for me.
when the sky is no longer lit up and heads are resting peacefully i am laying awake with a ache and longing so deep it feels my whole being. 
these sort of days come and go but it has stayed with me all week. some hours pass and its not as strong. other hours pass and all i want to do is to run, it is so strong i cant shake it but there seems to be nothing else i can do. 
for the many who dont know my story, well it goes a little something like this
about a year ago, last summer, God spoke so clearly into my life that He wanted me to wait...i have never been in a relationship of any kind. which is something most people can not say. oh i have had my fair share of feelings for a few. mostly only two ...the others i dont really count. they were more of fill ins. horrible i know. well it took me a few months to grasp the meaning of why He wanted me to wait. then came the season of leaves turing from green to red and yellow and slowly falling to the ground and never be seen again. 
oh how God healed my shattered and broken heart one very beautiful night. He gave me such a image that one can not ever forget. it was my heart... empty with spots. He then took it apart in half and cleaned it out, placed it back together and from the top begin to fill it with red paint...only the red wasnt paint it was blood, it was His blood. filling my heart. my whole heart was filled with His love and it showed. i was simply glowing. a endless smile played across my face. the best way to be is head of heels in love with Jesus. words can not express how simply breath taking and beautiful it is be in such a love like that. oh how the Lord spoke into my life during that time. i think because i was focused on Him fully, He finally had my undying attention, He started to speak into me all that He had been longing to do. He showed me, opened my heart to so many things. it was in that time that i gasped why He wanted me to wait. it then became my own desire and not just something i felt like i was suppose to do because God had asked me to do so.  He taught me of love and showed me His heart on a subject i dont think very many will give Him the time or day. if we were to give God the time...what do you think He would really have to say to us about dating and such. we treat it like its nothing, we use and abuse it everyday. perhaps that is why God has put it on my life to wait...to make a stand for Him and to one day help other people see His heart and to help them discover there own. i feel like God has such a beautiful story for me. i have been doing my very best in waiting for Him to bring me His prince. i have allowed Him to put the desires in my heart of the man He wants for me and the man i truly deserve. i am a princess of the King and i deserve nothing less then a prince of the King. i know he is out there some where... longing for me like i am for him. one day we will meet and i pray that every second from then on, he and i will bring glory to our Heavenly Father. one day he will take my hand and place a ring along with it and on that day we no longer be two but we will be three in one. he and i will become one in our King. 
out of one these sleepless nights of a heart for of longing from her other half i wrote something from the depths of my heart. and all though i thought i would never share this i feel lead to speak what is so heavy on my heart. i pray that some how God is using this. 


My hands lay here touchless,
naked and open, waiting to feel the warmth of love from another who's hand bares naked and touchless also.
Havent always had the right mind set
but my steps have been guided 
my heart longs to be in rhythm with the very breaths you take
lead me astray with always searching
my lips dry and cold 
waiting for feel the sweetness and warmth of ones breath up close, 
the touch of their own dry and cold lips touching together and bring to life of the once dull untouched
you see my darling, i have fallen short countless of times, but with that i know the same lingers around your shore line also
no matter our faults, we have a longing, a deep desire that goes miles like the endless sea for one another
no matter if our eyes have never set upon each other i know you are out there
i know this is real, in the very depths of my heart 
we live for a God who has birthed this in our very soul
and one day you and i shall meet. 
what a grand and beautiful day that will be.


not many people believe in true love any more, but that is because they have been seeking it in the wrong places. seek for it from God and you will find it. all those desires you stuff deep inside your heart, you think are not real. the dreams you push in the back of your head...they are very real. the only way they will happen is through Christ. seek Him and you will have a beautiful story. and one thing that makes it a beautiful story is the ugly parts. love every minute, the bad and the good. if you love only the good then you will never have your beautiful story. remember you do not deserve nor should you settle for anything less then what the great King above has for you. He loves you so much that He would personally create another human being who will fit perfectly beside you and know you second better then any one else. first being the creator. God Bless, i pray that you will seek after God and His heart. that you will not stand for anything less then your true love that was created just for you.