Not my typical usual but my constant battle at the moment.

Know how a crazy man would strangle someone...that's how I have been feeling for the longest time. Strangled. Isolated. Trapped and unable to breath.
So many times I just need to take a breath in and let it out...I find my self randomly doing it because for just a few short seconds it feels like for the first time I am able to breath... I go so long with out doing so. Impossible, you say. I know. If I wasn't breathing then I wouldn't be living. Ah but you see that is where I prove my point.
I am not living. I walk around like a robot. No, you can not tell. I have been under disguise as a regular human being but on the end side ....I just feel like a tin man.
Ah yes I know partly this falls on my shoulders. In fact everything inside of me wants to take the blame.. Why.. I don't know. Maybe out of an act of love. One can not always tell.
Everyday I wake up, I dread it. And every night I dread falling asleep because when I do so a new day awake and the same suffocating feels come around.
I feel like I was meant to do so much more then what I do know, but I feel so trapped I don't know how to move and make them happen.
I have so many dreams...I know one day they will happen... My Heavenly Father has promised that much. But at this time in my life, they feel so far far away.

This is not typical stuff I write but the things I write are only things I feel lead to write. Only my Lord knows the reason for it even if I never find out. I try my very best to follow the Holy Spirits leading...I know I get encouraged so many times and I can only hope that I am doing the same. God Bless.

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true love, the only way to find it is by seeking God.

its been awhile since ive written anything.
i feel lead to write about something that i only share with a few. its a huge part of who i am but i dont like to talk about it with many.
i think mainly because i feel like it is not complete and there for i have nothing to show. 
this whole week has been a rough one for me.
when the sky is no longer lit up and heads are resting peacefully i am laying awake with a ache and longing so deep it feels my whole being. 
these sort of days come and go but it has stayed with me all week. some hours pass and its not as strong. other hours pass and all i want to do is to run, it is so strong i cant shake it but there seems to be nothing else i can do. 
for the many who dont know my story, well it goes a little something like this
about a year ago, last summer, God spoke so clearly into my life that He wanted me to wait...i have never been in a relationship of any kind. which is something most people can not say. oh i have had my fair share of feelings for a few. mostly only two ...the others i dont really count. they were more of fill ins. horrible i know. well it took me a few months to grasp the meaning of why He wanted me to wait. then came the season of leaves turing from green to red and yellow and slowly falling to the ground and never be seen again. 
oh how God healed my shattered and broken heart one very beautiful night. He gave me such a image that one can not ever forget. it was my heart... empty with spots. He then took it apart in half and cleaned it out, placed it back together and from the top begin to fill it with red paint...only the red wasnt paint it was blood, it was His blood. filling my heart. my whole heart was filled with His love and it showed. i was simply glowing. a endless smile played across my face. the best way to be is head of heels in love with Jesus. words can not express how simply breath taking and beautiful it is be in such a love like that. oh how the Lord spoke into my life during that time. i think because i was focused on Him fully, He finally had my undying attention, He started to speak into me all that He had been longing to do. He showed me, opened my heart to so many things. it was in that time that i gasped why He wanted me to wait. it then became my own desire and not just something i felt like i was suppose to do because God had asked me to do so.  He taught me of love and showed me His heart on a subject i dont think very many will give Him the time or day. if we were to give God the time...what do you think He would really have to say to us about dating and such. we treat it like its nothing, we use and abuse it everyday. perhaps that is why God has put it on my life to wait...to make a stand for Him and to one day help other people see His heart and to help them discover there own. i feel like God has such a beautiful story for me. i have been doing my very best in waiting for Him to bring me His prince. i have allowed Him to put the desires in my heart of the man He wants for me and the man i truly deserve. i am a princess of the King and i deserve nothing less then a prince of the King. i know he is out there some where... longing for me like i am for him. one day we will meet and i pray that every second from then on, he and i will bring glory to our Heavenly Father. one day he will take my hand and place a ring along with it and on that day we no longer be two but we will be three in one. he and i will become one in our King. 
out of one these sleepless nights of a heart for of longing from her other half i wrote something from the depths of my heart. and all though i thought i would never share this i feel lead to speak what is so heavy on my heart. i pray that some how God is using this. 


My hands lay here touchless,
naked and open, waiting to feel the warmth of love from another who's hand bares naked and touchless also.
Havent always had the right mind set
but my steps have been guided 
my heart longs to be in rhythm with the very breaths you take
lead me astray with always searching
my lips dry and cold 
waiting for feel the sweetness and warmth of ones breath up close, 
the touch of their own dry and cold lips touching together and bring to life of the once dull untouched
you see my darling, i have fallen short countless of times, but with that i know the same lingers around your shore line also
no matter our faults, we have a longing, a deep desire that goes miles like the endless sea for one another
no matter if our eyes have never set upon each other i know you are out there
i know this is real, in the very depths of my heart 
we live for a God who has birthed this in our very soul
and one day you and i shall meet. 
what a grand and beautiful day that will be.


not many people believe in true love any more, but that is because they have been seeking it in the wrong places. seek for it from God and you will find it. all those desires you stuff deep inside your heart, you think are not real. the dreams you push in the back of your head...they are very real. the only way they will happen is through Christ. seek Him and you will have a beautiful story. and one thing that makes it a beautiful story is the ugly parts. love every minute, the bad and the good. if you love only the good then you will never have your beautiful story. remember you do not deserve nor should you settle for anything less then what the great King above has for you. He loves you so much that He would personally create another human being who will fit perfectly beside you and know you second better then any one else. first being the creator. God Bless, i pray that you will seek after God and His heart. that you will not stand for anything less then your true love that was created just for you.

i had a thought. or maybe its God speaking to my heart again.

today while at work i had a conversation with a man about God and such. he is not to sure what he believes.

but he has questions. and it didn't take long after listing to him to speak that God had been opening doors for him all week and stirring questions inside of him. and what is stirring in my own heart at the moment is how we save the unsaved. for example lets say you and i and our fellow followers who are also reading go on a missions trip. our speaker calls us to the front and ask those who would like to ask Jesus Christ in to their hearts. tells them to step up front and allow us to pray with them.

is that honestly enough.

isnt there more we could be doing.

yes we may talk to them and try to explain for five, ten maybe fifthteen minutes and then pray for them. but what do they gain from that?they walk out the door with the thought i have Jesus in my heart now... and the next question that probably comes... so what comes next. and will probably go on with their life. making no change. not every one but most. what if we all started to pray for the unsaved every day. praying that God would stir questions inside of them, and place people in their life to help answer and understand better. when they have a better grasp, they will start to long to have Jesus in their heart. they will want to know more, grow more. instead of it being the right thing to do, it becomes personal and real. i feel like everything is being twisted. and while i have had the questions gnawing at me, trying to make sense, i finally see how to connect them. i think that God has made every single person their own unique self. no body completely alike. but what i couldn't connect was how we were still suppose to see and agree on the same thing [God, truth] but what finally connected was that we are suppose to take what God says to us and grasp it in a way we understand but not to run with it. so say you and i read something in the Bible... i take it in a way that i best understand it, and you do the same but we dont throw a whole bunch of turns and loops. we meet in the middle.i feel as if everyone today is searching for the right thing to do but what we need to be doing is seeking for the truth... and meeting in the middle.

the Church is God's Bride. and i feel like we are slowly starting to loose the meaning of Church. and im not trying to bash on any one but it is a pet peeve of mine and it bugs the mess out of me when a church allows you to pull out your phones and look up your notes or your Bible. im sorry if i step on any ones toes that might read this but have phones really taken over so much of our life that it is replacing the BIBLE. that we cant even take a piece of paper and pen and write down what God is speaking into us. if it is speaking into our hearts we should not have to have it on our phone that we keep with us 24/7. and even know mine does nothing but make calls and text i am guilty of this also. phones have become our safety net but what if the Bible became or safety net. what if we carried it around ..and when we felt awkward we can read it in stead of reading a text or looking up something. or if we feel unsafe...instead of fake calling why not pray and open up the Bible and let God comfort you. it makes me sick to think that technology has taken over like it has. it gives us reason to make the Church a comfortable place. to make things convenient for you. but God has not called us to be comfortable. He has called us to daily make sacrifices for Him. and if that means leaving your phone in the car for a few hours or not worrying about how the stage looks because we want to attract people or how the music has to be PERFECT. because really none of that should matter. what should attract people is the way we live. the way we present our selfs to one another. not if our stage looks cool or we use our iphones or if our music sounds legit. who cares what the stage looks like, just as long as i am getting fed, i will be much more attracted and interested. worry about speaking into some ones heart not what is pleasing to their eyes. eyes can deceive. the heart is what is most effected. we are people, living breathing human beings with a heart... i want to be touched and loved, i want to learn and grow, i want to be inspired and encouraged. those things you worry about to make it look attracted dont matter... they will never do those things for me. but you. your heart and your compassion to me will. lets start worrying about how we treat and effect other people instead of the looks. a person should be so after Gods heart, seeking Him every second that in our daily life we dont have to go to church to hear and learn how to save people. we should already know from our personal time spent with our King. 

Church should be the place where we can come together and know that there will always be darkness as long as satan is around but because of our Almighty King there is light and He has blessed us with each other to encourage and help grow and learn. to speak through each other. it should be a time that we can worship together and learn more about all the wonderful things that He has written for us in His amazing love letter and to come together and agree and pray. two are better then one He says. and a cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

understanding.

ever wonder what goes through some peoples heads when they do or say something.
because to you it doesn't make sense. or it is the most crazy or stupidest thing you have ever heard of.
but have you ever thought about how other people think the same about you.
there for we have no right to judge a person.
God made us all unique. we all do not think the same or see the same thing.
we are all wonderfully and beautifully made in our own special way. no maybe we don't always see each other that way, some of us think the others are weird or crazy. but we shouldn't. we should look at each other, the rich, the poor, the popular the unpopular all the same way. a beautiful creation from God.

it has been brought to my attention that most peoples view point is very jaded.
people have gotten their Independence and it is a good and bad thing. like i said before no one really thinks alike which is what kinda makes us simply us and beautiful but it does cause problem. because now we have over a million or how many ever people's minds and ideas being sent out to every one and it cause's a great deal of confusion. so like everything else in this world it has its ups and downs.
but as us for the ones that have a personal relationship with Christ i think we need to become more understanding to the ones who seem a bit off or even your fellow believers. you don't know where any one has been in life, what they have seen, what has been spoken into them. some people just simply haven't been told the truth or they have but it hasn't been proven to them that it is, they see it as the same thing that every one else is saying. why. because we don't demonstrate the true meaning of having a relationship with Christ.
if we were truly seeking after Him, we show so much more love and kindness, more understand and less judgment. but more then anything we show realness. yes we are human and we have flaws, we mess up but don't hide it...be honest about it but show your heart. show that you are striving to do better. show that as human you fail but show that with Christ you can prevail!

i have more to say about this subject but i cant get it all into the words i need. i will try to touch on this more later.

what the world needs to realize

Our God is not a hateful one. He is not a hurtful one.
many people wont believe in Him because they ask the questions and wonder why if He is so full of love that how He would allow them to hurt or to take away loved ones life. and i dont know the correct answer to His reasoning but i like to think that God will take a life for safety. a family friend had passed away a few years back and i remember my brother and mom discussing it on the way there. she was very young, close to the age i am now. and i remember them saying that they didnt understand why God would take such a young life away. but while saying that, they were trying to figure out why. and i remember one of them saying that maybe "He took her to keep her from further harm, that maybe something in her life that was coming up would cause her a lot of pain", so He brought her to heaven. a safe and beautiful place. and that has stayed with me every since. when i hear of a life being taking away, i often think that their future did not hold good, it would be filled with hurt and pain... maybe more then they were feeling or experiencing at the time they were breathing. and also that there purpose for here on this earth has been done.  which is hard to think because when you love that person you cant help your human mind and think but i needed that person. they brought life, love and joy to my own. but as some of us drift away, like after graduating from high school and going off to college and starting the rest of your life. most of those people you spent your life with wont be apart of your life after you walk in to that campus or where ever it is life takes you.
and i had the question filling me but what if they are not saved. but then an answer filled my being. God knows the future of our life, and like i said before how i think He will take us for safety comes into play with this also. no maybe they never got saved but He knew they never would find Him... because selfish people like my self and others are to afraid to speak the truth, to be honest and to show his love and grace. some may ask but if He knew they would never find Him then why would he bother creating them. because even know they may not have known Christ and never would, they still had a purpose. it could have been one word or even one smile or it could have been something huge. but regardless they had a purpose and they had someone in their life that was meant to speak into them but they never did. and i know the questions keep coming... its never ending. we cant ever wrap our head around it and we can never fully understand the answers we get to it. we can make more sense of it and try to get a better grip of understanding but we'll never fully understand. that is how He made it. with a purpose for it also. if we did know the answer, we would never need Him. would never look at Him the same... its in this confusion state of mind that keeps us in awe of Him and curious. if we weren't, we wouldnt ever wanna talk to Him or learn more from Him.
i know some people think that when a loved one or even them selfs, that when something bad happens to them, God doesnt care. He doesnt love. but oh how He does. a room full of darkness cant come to life untill the light shines. it has to be dark and then the light can come. that is so how it is with life. you wont learn anything unless you go through the "darkness" but after you have then you will see the "light".

Its not just about you, Its about You and I.

I think the problem today is that people's mind set is "ME". 
They think they have to do everything for them selves. They have to only worry about them. It has provided such a selfish world. With selfishness comes along hurt. Its true. When you think of only you, it hurts everyone around you. Why is that. Maybe because we were made for each other. Not for us alone but for each other. ...If you think about it... it makes sense. If we were meant to be just us alone God would have never created Eve, He would have just made Adam. 
-"The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a  helper suitable for him.'"- Genesis 1:18

"So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, He tooK one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man. The man said, this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man."- Genesis 1:21-23 
So you see God could have just created adam and no eve... then where would we be...... 
which is exactly why He created another human being. no longer just one by him self but accompanied by another to help, support and love. 
It was meant for us to worry and love about another and not our selfs. Some where along the way though it all the sudden became "I" was more important then "YOU". Which started so many hurtful actions. Accusing, backstabbing, lying, cheating, oh how the list goes on. 
stop- thinking only about you, and think about "me" -the people beside you, the people around you, your loved ones, the ones who dont look like you or do look like you. worry about there needs and your needs will be taken care of. 
-"So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you..." Matthew 7:12. 
because i know you feel alone, unloved, and unwanted. but that is only because you have and everyone else has shown the same to others. once you start to show them they are cared for, you will be shown the same. take care of others and you will be taken care of. if we were meant to take care of it on our own we would have no need for other people in the world. it simply just wouldnt work. Go on, go love everyone around you, go listen and give a helping hand, be understand, and be trustworthy, be kind and gentle, show the world you have a heart and your not a grinch. 

so reach out and

others will reach out to you.